A few months back I noticed my 5 year old son became very hard on himself when he didn’t get  something right the first time.   For example, if he spelled something incorrectly, he would tear the page, clearly frustrated and start again.  When he read a book and encountered an unfamiliar word, he became annoyed at his inability to sound it out perfectly the first time.

This concerned us because we never put any pressure to get it right and we  encouraged him to understand that the learning process takes time. I’m not sure if he believed me or not….and I finally discovered why later that day.

During a fun game of mental addition, my son tried to stump me by asking me “What is 109 + 108?”  I answered without hesitation….217.

He was shocked, “You know that!!!” he yelled incredulously??

I smiled at how impressed he was but realized that he never had the chance to see ME struggle through addition at 5 years old.

What he saw was perfection.  Perfection when I read, perfection when spelling, perfection when I twirled a ball on the tip of my finger.

I was not alone.  He saw his father swim, bike down hills and kick a ball into a net, with perfect form.

It did not matter if it really was perfect,  in my kids eyes, they saw the outcome as perfect, because there was no  struggle or mistake.  The same would be true of almost everyone my kids encountered in their young life. The math teachers would never showcase them grappling with the quadratic equation,  just as the music teachers would not reveal the effort required to learn the guitar solo, practicing for hours, until they got it right.

Learning  persistence especially in the face of frustration,  is vital in a life, young and old.   The world  rewards those who never give up, who keep going in the face of adversity .  To get there we must help kids understand that the path is full of bumps and set backs and highly…… imperfect.

Does this mean I should  make mistakes in front of my kids so they understand the ‘process’ is full of trial and error?  Yes, that helps!  It’s always good to try something you’ve never done before and let your kids see you struggle through it.  It’s important that they see that learning anything new is well….messy.

Stanford Professor-Carol Dweck states in her book ‘MindSet‘, there is 1 thing that distinguishes people who think like champions and those who do not…whether they have a Fixed or a Growth Mindset.

Some children and parents hold a Fixed Mindset, in which they see abilities as fixed traits. In this view, talents are gifts—you either have them or you don’t.  These kids feel they need to prove that they are talented and ensure nothing contradicts this impression, so people in a fixed mindset try to highlight their strengths and hide their setbacks.  Studies show these kids “often reject valuable learning opportunities if these opportunities hold the risk of unmasking their shortcomings.”

On the other side are kids and parents who hold a Growth Mindset.  They believe that abilities can be cultivated, talent can be developed through practice, everyone can get better over time and that leads people to want to do just that, so they put a “premium on learning.”

One point worth noting, a child proficient at a particular subject, sport  or activity, may often get feedback from parents, teachers, family members and coaches that they are very ‘brilliant, clever, talented’  in these areas.  They focus on the persons (talent or ability) and  not on the process (effort and learning).

It’s very easy to see how a fixed mindset begins to take root.

Dweck states that the “problem with a fixed mindset is that any lapse in your child’s performance threatens the child’s sense of ability and drives out learning because they feel they are good because of natural talent and any learning they must do, is viewed as a weakness.”  These kids end up feeling judged by setbacks, mistakes or exerting effort.  As a result, they lose interest if they don’t perform well and their confidence takes a dip.

Kids in the growth mindset understand that effort is the only way that you can increase your ability. Dweck says that “they believe that even geniuses need great effort to fulfill their promise.”  Even if these kids suffer setbacks, they find ways to stay in the game and remain challenged.

So how do I help my kids move from a fixed to growth mindset?

  1. Teach them the brain is a dynamic, malleable, plastic organ and every time we learn something new their brain forms a new connection.
    • Studies show that children who have had an explanation on how the brain functions, have all shown a significant increase in a growth mindset. Kids as young as 3 years can understand this fact if explained the right way.
  2. Appeal to a variety of learning modes ie: Kin-esthetic, Auditory and Visual learners.
    • Make some homemade dough and create a little ‘imperfect’  model of the brain.  Explain that each time they make a mistake their brain is changing.
      Ask them to think about something they have learned, like riding a bike.
    • Discuss with them that every time they fell, stopped or took off riding,  their brain actually changed.
      Ask them to put a line or dent in the dough.  (By showing them visually how the brain remembers what is has learned, they believe that they have control on improving it.)
  3. Ask your kids to explain to you what happens using the dough brain, so they get to articulate what they just learned and further reinforce the learning. This work helps my kids develop a deeper understanding.

I’ve seen a significant change take root with my son and he is learning that ….

…..“Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence. Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful people with talent. Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb. Education will not; the world is full of educated underachievers. Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent.” -Calvin Coolidge

If you liked this article and want more like this sent to your inbox, enter your email at www.buildgreatminds.com

I would love to hear  more about how YOU encourage your kid/s to keep going in the face of adversity and never give up.  What worked for you and what didn’t?

Share some of your ideas below!

Recommended Posts

6 Comments

  1. Great article rhea! I have learned in education courses to focus praise on a child’s efforts rather than the final accomplishment; however, I did not think of how it could help students for them to see my mistakes. I often would naturally tell them about my hardships, but at the same time, I think I could have done that more often and made a point to focus on it.

  2. After finishing this article, it dawned on me how true this was. Kids always see you at ‘your best’ whatever that may be. The 1st time my daughter saw me struggle with something was at Canada’s Wonderland, when I tried to climb the horizontal rope ladder to win a prize, and fell time and again, and here my daughter was cheering me on, “good try daddy, try again daddy” It’s okay to make mistakes and show them they’re not the only ones that have to go through learning curves. Keep your articles coming, perhaps you can one day compile them all into a book.

  3. I encourage my daughter to try everything. I encourage her not to say I can’t do something. I tell her not to worry about failing as this will be part of her success in the end. She is only three but I feel she gets the sense of what I am saying and I figure even if not now, someday she will understand. Thank you for the article. Gonna go make a play doh brain now with her!

  4. … [Trackback]

    […] Read More to that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2012/11/18/the-difference-between-kids-that-think-like-champions-and-those-who-dont/ […]

  5. … [Trackback]

    […] Information to that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2012/11/18/the-difference-between-kids-that-think-like-champions-and-those-who-dont/ […]

  6. … [Trackback]

    […] Info to that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2012/11/18/the-difference-between-kids-that-think-like-champions-and-those-who-dont/ […]


Add a Comment