Why saying “Good Job” to your kids just doesn’t work!

As extraordinary parents, we want to ensure our kids are given positive feedback and we hunt for opportunities to reinforce good behavior and build their self esteem.  It is precisely because I want my kids to have strong self esteem, that I’ve removed the list of affirmations that normally accompany a good result or behaviour.

Often we hear and offer the words “Good Job!”, “That’s Great!” or “Awesome!” every time our kids do something we are proud of and to reinforce the behaviour.  In turn, we feel a sense of satisfaction that we’re are encouraging and building our kids self worth.

The question I’ve wondered was ARE WE GETTING THE OUTCOME WE THINK WE’RE GETTING?

I imagined how I would feel if I had a boss, who for every keystroke, every kindness I extended to a co-worker, every completion of a project, every teeny tiny success, I was met with the words “Good Job!”

Very soon, I would feel like it was just a ‘auto response’ to anything remotely good and pretty soon, I would tune out and it would become meaningless. Gone would be the initial beam I used to feel under that praise and replaced would be a feeling of my boss might not even know what he is saying good job to.

Kids are no different.

Micheal Mayerhoff a PhD in Human Development  believes that esteem is something that is too often presented in terms of praise but when esteem is “truly challenged it often collapses like a house of cards.”

When we use the words “Good Job!” or “That’s Awesome!” etc as a continuous response to good efforts….well….the phrase loses it’s power.

As parents we lovingly and with good intentions cheer and encourage every move our kids make but we forget that without a real challenge there is no real accomplishment.   Kids are smart, they know when there is real genuine praise worthy effort and when there is not and giving an endless supply of praise,  kids just don’t gain a genuine sense of satisfaction.”

So what am I saying here is two fold…

1.   Why not raise the bar and really let children earn the praise they get.  Meaning, use it a little more sparingly.

2.  Let’s change the “Good Jobs!”, “That’s Great” or “Awesome”,  into something specific and observable that you can comment on.

For example, if my child paints a picture…

…..instead of saying “Good Job!” I might say, “I really like the colors you choose.  I noticed you used up the whole page and you also seemed very focused on your painting.”

Which response is more likely to have a child really feel you noticed their painting?

If my child shares with another child, instead of “That’s Awesome!”, I try to be specific and to the point and say,  “I noticed you shared your toys.  I can see Suzie is very happy to have a turn.”

Which response will most likely have Suzie reinforce the sharing behavior?

If my child brushes her teeth by themself, instead of  “Great!”  I might try something along the lines of  ” I noticed you brushed your teeth.  I can tell you are working hard at learning to get out all of those sugar bugs!”

Which response makes them feel like they are putting in a lot of effort and getting better?

Be Intentional, Specific and Praise the Effort.  Oh and keep it interesting by trying not to use the same phrase over and over.

The only way kids get a really powerful self esteem is for them to think they really earned it.  That is one of the reasons so much has been written on reward the effort not the outcome.

Example of rewarding outcome:  That is such great picture!  Wow!!

Example of rewarding effort:  The colors and texture you put into that picture is really interesting.  I can see you spent a lot of time thinking about what you wanted to create.  I like how all those colors you choose make me feel, they make me think of a rainbow.

If you really want to get bonus points, ask kids why they chose the colors and patterns they did.  Ask them how the picture makes them feel.  Ask questions that encourage introspection and reflection.  This helps build their emotional intelligence, their communication skills and makes them feel like a rockstar!

If you’ve been saying “Good Job!”,  like an automaton, don’t stress.  Now you’ve got some great tips in your pocket to get your kids to perk up when you reward their effort.  It might take a few more seconds of conscious parenting but the end result will be incredible.

To Your Child’s Brilliance,

Rhea