Why I NEVER ask my kids “How was your day?”

I’ve stopped asking my kids “How was your day?”  It’s a useless question because it never gives you the answer you want.  What you hope to hear from your kid is something along the lines of this….

“My day was great, Fred and I were playing outside and we hid a dead bug under the wood chips in the play ground…luckily no one told on us.  I didn’t get my reading done in class so I have some extra homework to do. Oh and Mrs. Duncan the teacher told me that I need to remember to bring snacks without any sugar in them.  My afternoon got worse….Fred and I got in a pushing match over who was next to go down the slide at recess but we made up just before I got in the car!”

What actually happened,  was my children would answer the question “How was your day?” with “Fine”, “Good”  or even silence.

“What did you do today?” was usually worse and normally met with a sigh of “Nothing” .

Instead of asking how was your day, ask a very specific question, which opens the dialogue.  Now, I know we’ve all been trained to ask open ended questions to encourage conversation but until kids are in the habit of sharing, I suggest starting with closed ended questions.

Here are a list of questions I normally try with my kids that usually gets them fighting over who wants to volunteer information first.

“What game did you play on the playground today? “

“Did you get upset at anybody at recess?”

“What was the nice thing you did for your friend today?”

“What went wonderfully today?”

“Did anything make the teacher upset?”

Did you feel sad for any reason today?

What was your favorite thing in your lunch?

Once they answer the question, I either ask an open ended question or I may  try a few more closed ended ones.  The trick here is to not bombard them with an onslaught of follow up questions.  It’s almost as if they can smell your desire to know, so be interested but emotionally unattached to the outcome.  In other words, if you kids say someone punched them in the face, resist the urge ask all the who, what, where questions, with a voice that sounds like you’re about to strangle someone.  Kids have ‘spider sense’ and can see that you’ve become emotional and desperate and they will shut down.

Sometimes, I can tell something has happened but my son might say, he doesn’t want to talk about it.  When that happens, I usually say to my kids “I understand, think about it a bit and we can talk about it later if you want.  Don’t forget, I’m here and I will not judge you, no matter what you tell me.”   Later that night, I ask again,  just as we are cuddling up for bed time.  To date, I’ve never had him keep the story all to himself because now he feels safe, without judgement and unrushed, so as a result, I’ve build some trust up.

Timing is important when asking questions.  Dinner may be a great time for the family to connect about their days.  We often do a round robin so everyone has a chance to share what they did that day.  Sometimes, we do a round robin on specific questions, for example we say “Share one thing, that got us angry today.” or “Share one thing we conquered today.” or “Share one thing that we did not do so well today”.  (this is a gem of a question and the answer, no matter what, should be celebrated.  I will have another blog devoted entirely to this one soon!)

Another quick note, don’t forget to share what YOU did.  I might say something along these lines….

“at work I was trying to finish up my presentation but the computer froze so I decided to mail some letters and go to the grocery store.  When I was paying, all my change fell out of my wallet, so I had to scramble around,  while people were waiting behind me.    The best part of my day was eating my tuna salad lunch outside in the sun and picking up the two of you!”

We think our kids are not interested in our lives unless we undercover as an action hero.  I’ve found my kids are most alert when I tell them about my real victories, success and failures of my day.  I of course, try to focus on things that may be interesting to them but it’s impossible to not to find something that is noteworthy.  Even if I you were to tell them that you sat in a meeting today and you felt like going to sleep.  They know they are getting something authentic.

The benefits are immense.  You have kids that will learn to articulate their highlights and setbacks of the day, which allows them to strengthen the bond and trust between you both.  They also become savvy communicators learn to guide their own minds to a solution.  Most importantly, it allows kids to really build an introspective and reflective mind.  This is essential for building a strong emotional intelligence, which allows for a deeper understanding of their feelings, motivations and behaviors.

To Your Child’s Brilliance,

Rhea