This broke my heart…

“Will we be stuck here forever?” my son whimpered. He must have asked this question for the 150th time that day.

I could feel a wave of anger wash over me. I breathed deeply, grounded myself. Closing my eyes, I needed to tap into every coping tool I had in my arsenal.

We were stranded on The Galapagos Islands, a volcanic archipelago in the middle of the Pacific, when Covid-19 shut down all the airports and we were advised they are closed indefinitely.

Everything happened so fast. We left Canada well before there was a hint of a travel ban, 10 days into our trip the borders shut down.

I didn’t panic, rather I felt protected, insulated. Daily walks to the ocean to see endemic species were still an option and magic was still around us. No one had the virus and the Ecuadorean government wanted to keep it that way. I felt unsure of how this would resolve itself but somehow I knew it would eventually.

The ‘not knowing’ however, presented major concerns for my 13 year old son. It didn’t matter that we were safe and protected. My son knew things were out of his control and he didn’t like the feeling. He became incredibly anxious. I could feel his energy on high alert, which in turn was causing me to spin. I noticed his reactions both softened and triggered me simultaneously.

The trigger was a result of the “ME” I saw in him, albeit a fairly outdated version of me. I felt a sense of guilt for how my youthful anxieties created an insatiable need to control situations around me.

How did I allow him to inherit this pattern?

There was a disconnect between Little Rhea (younger version of myself) and Big Rhea (current version of myself) and that disconnect needed to be bridged.

Little Rhea, would tie herself into knots, worry a problem to death, anticipate what could go wrong and try to stay 2 steps ahead of the situation. She had cultivated coping mechanisms to situations that created stress and anxiety. These were intelligent survival tactics for the time. The problem was, they were created by me as a child, with a childish awareness and thus sorely outdated.

Big Rhea had honed and developed stronger and more sophisticated coping strategies which she consciously cultivated. This new and challenging situation gave her insight into areas she was actively developing but unconsciously, she was marginalizing her younger self for being immature.

What I needed was to bring loving awareness to my younger self’s coping strategies by witnessing, validating and honoring them as elegant attempts to keep me feeling safe.

Counter intuitively, this was the first step to supporting my son. This was “parenting from the inside out”.

When I realized my son was simply showing me an ancient aspect of myself, and I was shaming that younger version of me, I started to accept those feelings inside of me without judgement. Only then could I show up for him the way he needed me to.

You can’t offer what you don’t have.

Any time we don’t lovingly acknowledge and update the coping skills we learned and developed as children, it affects how we respond to all aspects of our life. It’s damaging to ourselves and our relationships,when we have a nervous system on high alert, EVERY. SINGLE. MOMENT.

A self with no reprieve. Always thinking. Always doing. Till one day, we explode or collapse from the sheer exhaustion of too many balls in the air. A ball WILL drop inevitably, then things will begin to unravel.

In the next few emails, I want to share with you a few of the emotional tools I personally used to turn things around and support my son back to centre and towards a feeling of joy, amidst feelings of chaos.

Ultimately, that is what we want for our children, to support kids past their fears, step powerfully into the unknown and most of all, to be sublimely present and resilient to what’s unfolding in each and every moment.

With Love, Rhea

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