If you read my email last Sunday, you’ll remember a story about my 13 year old son’s anxiety as we were stranded on an island in the Pacific recently.

If you missed it, check it out here: This Broke My Heart

This is the part I want every parent to hear….almost everyone is struggling with anxiety.

It may be so low level that you don’t recognize it as such, but it’s there and there’s always a cost.

It may come as anger, mental or physical exhaustion, behavioural issues, mis-attunement, addictions, guilt, perfectionism, illness, skin/body conditions, lack of confidence and self expression, overspending, depression and neurosis.

It affects our friendships, school work, relationships, marriages, work life and our personal feelings of well being and joy.

No part of our life is spared.

I’m going to share with you what I believe, hands down, is THE MOST IMPORTANT SKILL I’VE EVER LEARNED after coaching companies (ie: JP Morgan, Mindvalley), institutions (ie: UN, Children’s Aid, Schools) and thousands of people globally for over 20 years.

How to hold space.

If we do not know how to HOLD SPACE, we will not be able to deeply support a child or anyone else whose nervous system is on high alert and needs help soothing themselves.

This was a crucial step towards supporting my son, in this bizzare predicament we found ourselves in as a family.

Holding space means having a willingness to be with someone through an experience, without feeling the need to fix, judge, blame, shame, change or control the situation.

When my son asked, “What is going to happen?” for the 150th time, I needed to regulate my own nervous system, attune to him and protect his emotional environment first and foremost.

More important than fixing, solving and sparing my son his pain or suffering, was my ability to witness and BE with his suffering….as is.

This is often so strange and counterintuitive to parenting. Why would we want our kids to suffer? Of course we should be trying to spare our kids pain….right??

No.

My job as a parent is not to end his suffering because I cannot. There will always be suffering which I will NOT be there for. My job is to help him cope. Coping skills come from helping him accept his feelings. How well he can do this is a function of how well he sees Mom and Dad handle emotions such as disappointment, worry, hurt, frustration, sadness, jealousy, rage and insecurity by OUR ability to be BE with it.

Only when I can tenderly and fiercely stand in the fire with my son and his subjective experience of what it is to be human; the heartbreaks, worry, grief, fear and even the loneliness, will he learn to acknowledge his feelings as important and valuable. Only then can he begin to integrate them, so he feels whole and complete within.

Can you imagine if our own well meaning parents were able to help us ‘BE WITH’ and navigate our complex emotional landscape? Perhaps we wouldn’t feel so worried, uncertain and scared deep inside.

It’s not easy but it’s one of the greatest gifts I can cultivate and offer my children.

This is just the beginning people. Hope you are ready for what’s coming up next. 🙂

With Love, Rhea

Recommended Posts

This broke my heart…
The One Question Every Child Longs To Be Asked
Parenting Is A Gladiator Sport
The Most Important Parenting Skill

35 Comments

  9. … [Trackback]

    […] Find More on that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2020/04/08/how-to-hold-space-for-your-children/ […]

  10. … [Trackback]

    […] Find More Information here on that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2020/04/08/how-to-hold-space-for-your-children/ […]

  12. … [Trackback]

    […] Read More here on that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2020/04/08/how-to-hold-space-for-your-children/ […]

  13. … [Trackback]

    […] Read More on that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2020/04/08/how-to-hold-space-for-your-children/ […]

  23. … [Trackback]

    […] Find More Info here on that Topic: buildgreatminds.com/2020/04/08/how-to-hold-space-for-your-children/ […]

Add a Comment